Wednesday, August 26, 2009

You don't have to sacrifice yourself to accept men as they are

Interesting article in the Daily Mail today.

I think the gist of it is correct: don't knock men for being men.

Asked if she thinks feminism has destroyed women, the author of The Lives and Loves of a She Devil and Puffball claimed that there are fundamental differences between the sexes.

Exactly. Not all men will be masculine in the same way. But men are hardwired for masculinity. And it's okay. It has its good points. It has its bad points. Just like femininity. Instead of trying to re-engineer men as a whole, live with it.

Does that mean you have to take crap from men? No.

But it means that you have to be willing to accept some flaws from others. No one is perfect. Men don't typically care to go in depth about their feelings, and they always feel the need to fix everything every time you come to them with a problem, but they can be good listeners, and they're very practical in how they show love-- like doing yardwork. The breadwinner role many men instinctively adopt-- especially after the birth of a child-- is a good thing. It's the way they care. (As opposed to irresponsible louts who abandon their children, leaving the mothers to fend for themselves). It's not a repressive thing-- it leaves women free to do what instinctively comes to them when they give birth-- take care of their baby.

When you're annoyed about something your man does, you have to ask: is it worth it? Is it worth it to nag him about the socks on the floor? (Because that's often what men do) And the answer is generally no. It's not worth the energy, mental and physical, to "train" him to do what men instinctively do. You're far better off just learning to tolerate socks on the floor. It takes less energy that way. And he might be compelled to accept your hair in the bathroom sink.

'The thing is, you need to find a man who is cleverer than you, or at least not let him know that you are cleverer than him,' she said.

I don't think women who are smart should try to be anything else than what they are.

But the problem is that feminism has inculcated in some women the idea that it's okay to rub it in that they're smarter than their man and belittle him for it.

If you're going to be an intellectual, that will limit your pool of potential candidates. A lot of men out there want to be smarter than the women they pair up with. It's just nature. The good news is that there are men who are smart themselves and appreciate intelligent ladies. You don't have to pretend with them because they have no ego issues.

Feminists have pushed this idea that if you reject feminism, and support essentialism, it means that you believe in being "submissive" and taking crap from people.

And that's not true at all.

You don't need feminism to stand up for yourself.

You don't need feminism to respond to men with inflated egos.

It's not an ideology thing. You simply behave in an authentic fashion. When I was young, I remember girls thinking that they had to be a certain way to attract men--as in hide who they really were-- or not develop any self at all!

Many feminists act as if the only way to counter typical female ailments like that is to adopt their ideology. As if you just couldn't decide to build yourself up for your own sake, without opposing the patriarchy.

When women say "I'm not a feminist but.." and then say something typically feminist like, feminists take it as a sign that these women are closet feminists who are too timid to come out. Or they don't know that they're feminists yet.

The truth is, they probably came to some of the same conclusion as feminists, without adopting the ideology. It happens. They probably have many decidedly non-feminist, even anti-feminist viewpoints.

You don't need feminism to be authentic. Feminism sees injustice where none exist. They see injustice in things like men leaving their socks on the floor, meaning women do more housework than men (here's a newsflash: women care about it more than men do.)

You can reject the ideology, respect yourself and still accept men (and women!) as they are.