The truth is that you can never “make up” for an abortion. You never get over it, and for me, there’s the idea that I don’t deserve to get over it.I deserve every feeling of discomfort and uneasiness. There’s also the guilty feeling that there’s no way I deserve to have the 4 wonderful children I have. How does a man who kills his baby deserve to have children who don’t rebel against him, or reject him, or butt heads with him? How does God say, “Hey, I know you killed the first one I sent to you, but here are 4 more that will be the greatest blessing you’ll ever have.” Thinking of how good they are to their old father makes me think that I have no business being happy or receiving their love and devotion. I deserve nothing but pain and rejection due to the pain and rejection I inflicted on the person that would have been – was – my first child. How do you reconcile the good father that I am, by everyone’s estimation, with what I know the truth to be? Sure I’m a good father, but not because I’m a good person. I believe that I’m a good father because each one of my kids has been a gift from God and an opportunity to “offset” the horror of the abortion.
Do I deserve to “get over” it? I don’t think so. It’s almost like it’s my cross to carry around or my own thorn to suffer through. Lay my sin at the foot of the Cross, you say? What business do I have dropping my sin off on Him and walking away with peace of mind? I know that many of us deal with this issue in different ways; some can find a bit of peace, although I know you don’t actually “get over” it. I feel that in keeping my “thorn,” it keeps me closer to Him. Whatever “suffering” I have over this is what I can offer Him until my time on Earth is through.
Dad needs post-abortive healing, too.